I don't want to go back tomorrow. I don't want to go back ever. But then they've won. Why is this getting to me so much? I shouldn't care waht they think about it. Trouble is, for some insane reason I cannot fathom, I do. Maybe it's because back on earth, all the others respected me. Well, apart from the guards, but I guess that was understandable. I mean, they didn't respect anyone, but the others did. Because I wasn't afraid to stand up to them.
Anyway. I guess you want to know what happened. It was like this. Or at least, this is how I saw it.
Eagle's fine with me, he doesn't have a problem with me being female, and I really do feel comfortable with him now. Especially after what happened today. Because he stood up for me when push came to shove, and I guess that's why I know I'll be back there tomorrow, so that they haven't won, and so taht EAgle isn't disappointed in me. He said to me, before I left to come home, that he expected to see me today, and that he expected my character to be strong enough that I wouldn't let their stupidity bother me.
I was on a later shift today, only just come back now.
The...
I've got to go, sorry. I'll post again when I've got the chance.

Day 1 with Eagle.

Guess what! I managed not to make a fool of myself. Definitely a better start than I hoped for. Eagle seems all right really. He's fairly quiet, which meant I was a bit fidgety at first, until I realised he wasn't getting ready to do something, he's just like that, but it went pretty well I thought. Now that I've started in on this thing, whatever it's supposed to be, getting confident within myself or something like that, I guess it's not going to be too bad. He's mostly based in the Fort, which is the jail thing underneath our HQ. We sat together for a while, not doing anything, not even talking, and it kind of creeped me out at first, but I didn't know how to make conversation with him, so we just sat. Eventually he started talking, just bits and pieces, not real, deep conversation, just talk. To fill the silence. I don't think he's much used to small talk either. He seemed a little awkward. But he asked me questions, about me, and I answered as best I could. What music do I like, that sort of stuff. If you're wondering, I really enjoy listening to the old stuff, from the twenties and the thirties and the forties. It's got a kind of quality to it that's missing from music today. I don't know how to describe it. Eagle said he mostly liked panpipe music, you know the sort of stuff I mean, that Native American kind of music that's all right really but hardly anyone actually listens to a lot. He said he plays the flute, and that struck me as kind of strange. It always seems a kind of gentle instrument, you know? And here's this huge angel telling me that he plays it. Still, I guess it suits him in a way. He's kind of gentle, even if he is really tall and freaked me out at first. I don't think I'm that scared of him any more. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel as though he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Only time will tell though.
See you later I guess.

Went to see the Commander

Well he didn't kill me straight off, which was a start. Another big, powerful looking man I had to deal with. Place is full of them. I was scared, I don't mind admitting it, not because I was scared about what they'd say, but because I was scared of what they'd do, scared they might suddenly attack me. I know it sounds stupid, but when you've been brought up like I have, it's nigh on impossible to stop thinking they might attack. Anyway, he basically said that he was impressed with my fighting skills--he'd seen a film of me fighting that demon, and another of me fighting Imran--but he was concerned I wasn't settling in, so I was to spend a few weeks with Eagle until I feel more at home in the force and more confident in myself so I don't have to fight to prove a point or something like that. Can't remember the exact words because I was almost shaking with fear. It's stupid, it really is, but I can't help it. Oh well. Hopefully I'll manage spending time with Eagle without making a complete prat of myself and legging it or attacking him or something.
I'd better go now. I'm not really supposed to be on the computer doing this at work, but I just wanted to get my feelings out.

Oops...

Red wasn't there this time when Imran started having a go at me, and I shouted right back. There was just Imran and the whole bunch of his cronies. Imran said 'Go on then, fight me if you dare. I'll have you a fistfight if you dare. Or would you rather use your gun so that you don't have to get your hands dirty. You might break a nail.'
So I did. I leapt at him and hit him square in the face before he could react. He roared and smacked me and I went flying across the room into a wall and then he kicked me while I was trying to get up and sent me flying again, but I grabbed his foot and brought him down too. Maybe it wasn't the best of ideas because he's so much bigger than me, but I did it all the same. I was too furious to think straight, and we were rolling around on the floor, both of us hitting out like fury and rolling around all over the office. He pulled back and overturned the desk on me and I was so glad that Red uses a laptop and it wasn't on the table. It was bad enough having the desk land on me and papers flying everywhere and pens and all manner of other stuff, smashed glass and plastic would have made it a heck of a lot worse.
Red walked in at that moment, and he watched wide-eyed as I shoved the desk off of me and leapt at Imran again who was gloating with his back to me. I knocked him to the ground, me on top, and we went back to pumelling each other in a classic school yard fight. He was getting in more hits, but I wasn't bothered and every time I hit him, he grunted and tried to pull back a bit. He didn't dare give in though, else everyone would've seen that he'd been beaten by a girl.
Anyway, he managed to throw me across the room to land pretty much on top of Red, but I scraped my back all down the wall and I just yelped with pain and then I landed back on top of Imran and my blood was up, and Red ran out the room, I didn't see him, but he must have done, because the next thing I knew he and Eagle were doing their utmost best to seperate us. Apparently, my back was covered in blood, and Red was concerned it wasn't really a fair fight and anyway he said the office wasn't really the best place to fight. He said he wouldn't be taking it any further though, just that I was to try and just fight demons, not team mates too. Imran grinned smugly, thinking he'd got out of if and Red had a go at him too, saying he wasn't to goad me on.
Imran stormed out, followed by his entourage, and I cleaned up the room a bit. Eagle helped, but Red disappeared off somewhere, said he needed to talk to the Commander about something. I got a note later on today saying I have to go and see the Commander tomorrow along with Eagle. I don't know why Eagle has to come, I guess he's ok, but he still scares me because he's so big, but I guess it has something to do with the fight.

Well. Hopefully Imran won't bug me again for a while.

I know Red said yesterday that he felt like his authority was being challenged, but I never thought Imran would dare do it directly. Red brought in some files that we had to sort through, and Imran threw a strop, asked him what the point was, why our team had been allocated the task, why fighters were doing paperwork, and then he went on to say that he was going to take out anyone who wanted to come bar the 'stupid girl' (me) and find some demons so they could do their job properly. I leapt up and started yelling at him, threatening him, because he'd already been going at me for the whole day and I was just sick to death of it. Maybe it wasn't quite the best thing to do, because I was really worked up and started waving my dirk around everywhere and yelling and threatening him, but I just did it anyway. Imran was kind of surprised that I was arguing back, so were the others, because up to then I'd been sticking in the background kind of and trying to make them not notice me so they wouldn't say anything, but I was just furious. Red calmed me down, and I'm glad he did before I actually made good my threats and leapt on Imran to prove how competent I was, because that would've just screwed things up completely. I guess I'm not really that good an angel, but I am trying, I honestly am, it's just so hard after spending all that time on earth where nobody gave a stuff what I did or what I said or anything like that because they hated me and they didn't care about me.

Well I went to see him

Stupid isn't it? I was more nervous about going to visit my captain in hospital than I had been about going on my first mission. Admittedly, it hadn't been a solo mission, but still. I guess it was because I wasn't sure about him yet. I know I'm supposed to be able to trust him with my life, the rest of my team too, but I'm not like that. I don't dare trust anyone with my life except myself. I wish... Well, I can't change how I am. I can only try to trust the others at least a little so that maybe I don't come across as strange or incompetent. He seemed nice enough, sure, but that means nothing, absolutely nothing. Not to me anyway. He could still, as far as I'm concerned, suddenly leap at me and try to kill me. It's happened often enough in the past. People I thought I could trust, including my boyfriend in the orphanage, suddenly and unexpectedly trying to murder me. I wish it could have panned out differently, I wish I could trust him. I'd like to, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Anyway, I went to see him in hospital. And I managed not to freak out and leg it before I reached his ward. He was sitting up, his curly red hair all over the place, smiling (don't think I've ever seen him without a smile on his face) and although he seemed perhaps a little pale, he didn't look too bad. His smile broadened when he saw me, and he told me to pull up a chair. I did so. I think he could tell I was on edge, because he spent the first few moments smiling at me reassuringly and saying that I wasn't in trouble or anything. He asked if I was ok, wanted to see my arm, so I showed him. He reckoned I'd got more stitches than him, a lot more, and maybe it was true. He said he'd be back in tomorrow, but thought I perhaps ought to take a day off. I refused. He checked up on my medicine, and I.... Well, I had to admit that I didn't have a clue what it was the doctor had given me or when I had to take it or anything because I couldn't read. He was surprised, that's for certain. I admitted it all, that I struggled with computers, signs, the lot, because I couldn't read at all, despite having tried to learn many times over.
"Well," Red said after a long pause. "It explains one or two things." I knew what he was thinking of. I'd got lost despite the map he'd drawn for me, I handed over notes rather than reading them to him. I guess he'd assumed it was shyness or something, but now it all made sense to him. "It doesn't affect your performance any that I can see though. You've still got an uncanny ability to see patterns in data where most of us wouldn't see any." He was talking about the mission reports we'd been asked to have a look at. I'd spotted a few things, similarities, that none of the others had even looked for. "And your fighting skills.... You've got guts, that's for certain. You wound up with the biggest demon of the lot, probably the leader as he seemed to have the best fighting skills. I guess you're wondering why I asked for you to come here." I nodded, because I was wondering, I'd been wondering right from the start why he wanted to speak to me in particular, when he'd known the others in his team for far longer. "Truth is, I needed to talk to someone, and you were the best person I could think of. You haven't had time to form any strategic alliances, or anything like that. You aren't particularly influenced by the opinions of others, you wind up on the brunt end of any tensions in the team because you're new and because they have an extra excuse to hate you."
"I don't get you," I admit. What's he saying? That he trusts me more than the rest of the team? That can't be right, I've not even been there a week yet.
"It's complex. You may have noticed that Imran is.... Well, he's not the easiest of people to get along with. He's undermining my authority in the team, and there're complicated political things. We were all together under another captain, who was killed during a mission like the one today. Imran was the accepted choice of successor, but our captain ordered me to take over as his strength was fading away. Imran said this was only because he was slightly injured, and I wasn't, but Gabriel decided that he wasn't entirely happy with Imran's record and so appointed me as captain. Ever since then he's been challenging my authority in small ways, and most of the others, in fact all of them apart from Simeon, supported him over me." Red shrugged, but I could see that it was something that weighed heavily upon him, especially because Simeon had just been killed, because he wasn't smiling any more. "I just kind of wanted to warn you I guess. It's important that you know how things stand. I don't care who you support. In fact, I recommend you support Imran, he's got the whole team behind him. As for me... I'm going to apply to be either transferred to another team or resign my captaincy."
"I'm with you," I said, surprising myself by how convinced I sounded, how completely certain, when I wasn't really. I knew why though. "Imran hates me. There's no way I'm sticking with someone like him anyway."
Red nodded slowly, and a smile spread slowly across his face again. "Thanks Nutmeg. You did well today. If I do move teams, I'll make sure you come with me." I smile back, and then a nurse came in and shooed me away, saying that too much excitement wasn't good for his patient. Red made a wry face at me and I laughed before leaving. It felt so good to laugh, the first time I have done properly in ages. I haven't had all that much to laugh about in my life, and when I came up to heaven last year I was too nervous and afraid to laugh at much. I think I do trust him you know. Certainly more than anyone else I've met recently. Maybe not at the 'throw my life in his hands' stage, but I trust him, sure.

First mission

Well I went on my first mission today. What a joke. It was screwed right from the start, probably designed to fail. In fact, it went so badly wrong I'd be inclined to say there was a leak. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault, not Red's, not even Imran's though I'd like to blame him.
Our team got scrambled to intercept half a dozen demons who were causing trouble in the Den, which is basically this pub where loads of people from the force and loads of angels who want a boyfriend in the force so they look cool hang out. Others go there too, me included, and I don't want a boyfriend in the force. Or at least, I don't want to get one in the way they do, all mini-skirts and mini-tops and plastered in makeup. If I get a boyfriend, I want him to like me for who I am.
Anyway, we went, wearing helmets, guns in hand. When we got there, we found a small team of demons all right, but there were a bunch of angels there too. Red gave the order to use close-quarter weapons - our guns won't hurt humans but they do hurt other angels - so we all drew our blades and shoved our guns away. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Imran burst out laughing when he saw my weapon of choice. Asked if I was too weak to use a real blade. It's a dirk see, a smaller one than a sword, but still longer than a dagger. I couldn't think of anything to say in response. One, I was too busy watching the demons, and Red, for what we were supposed to do now. Two, what the heck could I say? I can use a big sword, probably better than him, because I'm fairly strong for my size. Comes of being made to do manual labour from when I was about seven or eight. And I've got the stamina to use it for the full duration of a battle. A dirk just suited me better when I was asked to try out a few weapons and see which I preferred. Besides, while it may be fine for me to use in battle, you still have to carry it everywhere with you, and a sword is big and obvious and quite a weight to carry around, especially since my left leg can be a bit dodgy from being broken and never healing properly. I wasn't going to say anything like that. So I just kept silent and took it. I seem to be doing a lot of that recently. Normally I'd have just battered anyone who dared insult me, fought the guards to the best of my abilities in manifold attempts to escape or to help others escape, but I'm trying not to let my temper get the better of me. It doesn't seem angel-like. Nor does taunting people, but there you go.
Red had a big sword too. In fact, they all did. Well, I'd made my choice and it was too late to change it. Besides, I wouldn't change it for them.
"All right," he said, raising his sword so it glittered in the late afternoon sun. The others did the same, so I copied them hesitantly. What was the point of doing this? Were we trying to show the demons that we were the ones who they were going to fight? I would've thought it'd be obvious from the helmets and the uniforms. "There's enough for one each. Take them out any way you like, but try not to get in each others way, and keep the civilians out of it. Understand?"
A chorus of 'Yes Sirs', myself included in them.
"Get them then." We ran forward together, splitting up, me in the rear, waiting to see which demon would be left for me. Great. A tall one, with a huge battle axe. Maybe I should have gone for something a little more hefty. Too late now.
He swung at me, and I ducked, and it missed. He staggered slightly, such was the ferocity of his swing, and then I stabbed upwards, but he blocked it with his arm, that I now saw was armour plated. He swung again, and I parried with my dirk, meeting his axe mid-swing. We stood there, locked in place for a moment, each of us trying to force the others away, then my blade slid down his and his down mine and they both fell away. I leapt straight in on the offensive, not aware of anything but the need to defeat this demon as quickly as I could, to prove to the others that I was their equal, that I was competant, not a target for any bad feelings they might have.
He leapt back on the offensive too, and we were leaping around, fighting hard, me having to learn fast as he threw stuff at me that I'd never seen before. They didn't go into much detail on the whole sword-fighting front during training. Figured it wasn't something we'd ever really have much use for. Well, they were wrong.
Boy was this demon fast for his size, swinging the battle axe as easily as I swung my dirk, countering everything I threw at him, either with his armoured arm or with his axe. And then he made his move, when I was in mid-air, blocking my stab with his arm, swinging his axe round. I saw it coming towards me, and did the only thing I could think of - curled up in a ball and leant back. I could only pray that I was far enough off the ground for this to work. I felt the sharp edge of his axe cut into my arm, and stifled a cry of pain. I wasn't having anyone thinking I was a wimp. No way. It'd just be even more ammo for Imran to throw at me. I could see I wasn't quite high enough, I wasn't going to make the flip all the way round to land on my feet. My bum, perhaps, but that'd knock the wind out of me and the demon'd be in a fantastic position to just finish me off. So I whipped out my wings and stroked down once, as I was flipping, sending myself flying backwards and slightly up with enough velocity for me to finish the flip.
It was then I realised I was the only one still fighting. Well that was just great. Now they were going to analyse my technique. Best thing I could do would be to finish this thing with a huge great blow and kill the demon before he had time to recover from seeing me suddenly evade what he thought was his killing blow and do that strange thing with my wings that shouldn't have been possible (flying is a lot harder than you humans seem to think, and I should by rights have crashed to the ground on my bum). I ran at him, he raised his axe. This could be interesting as I had no intention of stopping. It'd be a little like playing baseball. He was going to try and swing down at the right moment to decapitate me, I was going to try and avoid being decapitated at all costs. I guess that's what it looked like to the others, because that's what it felt like to me, and I knew what the last part of my plan was, while they didn't.
"Try and get him alive," came Red's voice. Ok. That's what my plan would probably do anyway. "And try not to get yourself killed," he added in something of a panic as he realised I looked very much like ramming the demon and getting my head chopped off for my trouble. No worries Red. I had no intention of ending my career in the force like that.
I leapt into the air as I approached, soaring up a good few feet, over the axe. He was a big demon, easily seven foot tall. I got higher, higher, as the demon struggled to work out what I was planning on doing. And then I hit him square in the face and he went down like the proverbial ton of bricks. I landed on top of him, held my dirk to his throat. I didn't say anything. I didn't need to. My intention was clear enough.
Red came across and manacled him. He looked at me strangely, as though he were expecting me to have fainted at the sight of a demon or something.
Before he could say anything though, about thirty demons came swooping in from the sky. You could tell they were demons, because they had big black wings. He quickly gave the order to use guns, and to fire at will. One of the team was killed straight off by a bullet to his head, and another injured. We shot up at the demons, firing hard and fast, picking them off one by one, like we'd been taught in training. Well, we managed it, got the whole lot of them between us, but we sustained further casulties. Fact, a bullet skimmed my shoulder, but it didn't really do any damage. No, the real problem I had was my left arm. It had gone pretty numb, which I had to ignore - we were in a life or death situation, now wasn't really the time to examine injuries - and my shirt sleeve felt damp. I just kept on shooting at the demons, aiming and firing and hoping that no more bullets came near me. There wasn't any shelter we could hide under, it was just a straight 'see who can get enough bullets off to kill all the others before they kill all of you' type battle. We'd been told to avoid these in training, but there wasn't all that much we could do about it. From the fact that I'm here, I guess you can tell that we won. Well, we did.
I'm now the proud owner of fifteen stitches in my left arm and with more than enough morphine running through my veins to make me feel absolutely dandy. Red took a nasty wound, bullet to his gut, but the doctors say he'll be just fine. Same about the other ones. Simeon went to visit him, and told me that he wants to see me soon as possible. I'm putting it off, I admit it. I've come home to get changed, and cleaned up a bit, and now I need to go and see him. What's he going to say? I guess the only way I'll find out is to go and see him, now that I don't look like something that's been dragged out of a dingy alleyway.

Well, I went back

I went back. More pranks, more stupid comments, nothing exciting. I hate Imran, he's the worst of the lot. Red's not too bad, but he likes the practical jokes. I guess none of them really know how bad they make me feel or they wouldn't do them, but who knows. I met my overall commander today, Commander Stephan. He didn't seem so bad, but he was certainly a little pre-ocupied. I guess he has more important things on his mind than the little new girl who nobody really seems to like.
In case you're wondering why I've stuffed this on here instead of on an angel blogging site, it's because I don't want anyone I know stumbling across it. In fact, I'd rather this was on an alien sight, so that people could read it but not anybody I've any chance of coming across. I suppose I'll never meet anyone who reads it anyway. It'd be something of a coincidence if I were to meet a human on an as yet non-existent earth mission who'd read this. In fact, it'd be more than a coincidence, it'd be wierd. And scary.
There seems to be a lot of stuff with demons going on everywhere, but I'm not really involved. Red seems to be, and Imran, and Simeon and all the others too, but I guess cos I'm new they don't want me involved. Or because I'm a girl. Or something. Who knows?
I figure I'll get sent on an earth mission eventually if I stick at this. If I stick at it. And maybe, just maybe, in a few weeks I'll actually get scrambled to go after a rogue demon with someone. People in the force are so hostile towards me though. I'm not sure I'll ever get anything more important than running down to the photocopier or taking messages around and getting lost and having to ask just about everyone for directions, praying they don't give me a map, and praying no one ever asks me to read anything. Imran'd laugh his head off if he found out I couldn't read. They all would.

Lost, humiliated, and frozen

Why did I ever apply to join the force? It looked so good, such a perfect career, but is it heck. I got so lost in the HQ, couldn't find the door I was supposed to be finding. I must have asked for directions like fifty times, and everyone I asked was sort of checking me out, as though they were trying to work out what I was doing there. And then I finally found Red and his team. He seemed all right I guess, looks like he's just left school, but I guess he hasn't. I get so confused with ages, he's probably in his thirties. I don't know, angels age so slowly it's nigh on impossible to tell. The others though... I don't know. They were pretty shocked when they saw me, and one of them, guy called Imran, was just like 'Hang on, I thought you said we were getting a new warrior in our team, not a cheerleader.' I felt like slapping him, would've done too if the circumstances were different. Instead, I just about managed to keep from crying.
Red sent me off to find Eagle, said there wasn't much happening at the time, so I might as well go meet my mentor. He told me where to find him, and this time I didn't get lost. It would've been pretty hard since he was near enough next door, at the bottom of a flight of stairs. There were cages in here, with thick iron bars - demons can't vanish when they're surrounded by iron - and the guy who's supposed to be my mentor was this huge, seven foot tall guy with dark skin and even darker eyes. He looked me over and nodded slightly to himself. I spent the rest of the morning with him, him trying to 'get to know me', me trying not to scream and run off because he was the spitting image of one of the guards.
I went back up to Red after I ate my dinner, but he wasn't there. Imran said he was the second in command, and nobody argued with him. He gave me directions for this place, the armoury, and told me to ask for a long stand. I went off and did it, and the room was freezing. I asked the guy and he smiled and told me to wait where I was. I did and I was there for ages, shivering, because I wasn't dressed for the cold but he was. I figured he'd forgotten me, and when I asked him again, he laughed and told me to go back to my captain. Turns out that it was Imran's idea of a joke. I was so glad my shift finished pretty soon after I got back. I just lay on my bed and cried for ages. I don't want to go back tomorrow, but I know I have to or it'll be even worse.

Nervous...

I start my new job tomorrow. My first ever job. I'm so nervous. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm probably just about the only angel in heaven who was brought up on earth for, like, most of my life. Been here what? Two years? Plus I'm kind of small for my age, and kind of young for an angel. I'm only 18. Why on earth did I apply? I should've gone for something easy, but what? Nothing's easy when you're illiterate. In fact, even this isn't all that easy. I have to get the computer to read everything out for me, and then I have to use the speak and type thing to get this on. I hope nobody realises I can't read or write or add up worth talking of. I just never got taught, and I've tried learning, but nobody realises how impossible it is to teach yourself to read. How am I supposed to know what all the little squiggles coming up on screen as I talk mean? No matter. I can get by. How hard can it be? It's not as though I'll be doing too much writing. At least, I hope not anyway. With luck, I'll spend most of my time fighting, and when I do have to write I'll be able to use the computer to write for me.
Then there's the other little thing about my job. I'm going to be the first female angel ever to work there on active duty. What if they all laugh at me, and at my accent? Nobody up here speaks with an American accent. They all sound English in this area. I can't believe I actually got accepted into the force. In fact, I can't believe I even applied, and then there was training. It's supposed to be pretty tough, but I didn't reckon it was all that hard. I have to find a guy called Red, he's my captain apparently. How I'm going to do that I don't know. In fact, I don't know how I'm going to manage anything. What if the directions are written? Besides, I don't really get maps either. I really don't want to make a fool of myself, because this is pretty much my only chance to be somebody.
I hope Gabriel doesn't say anything about him rescueing me. In fact, I hope nobody knows I ever lived on earth. I guess it's something I shouldn't be scared about, something I should just accept, but I don't know how people will react to me. So far most of the angels I've met have been pretty nice, but... I can't help thinking about the guards at the orphanage. I just... I don't know. I don't do big men who try and control me. I can't trust people, I know that, everyone tells me that they see it in me, that I can't trust and that it's really bad for me and it's true. I guess that's part of the reason I've started this blog. So that I am trusting somebody in a way. But not really. I don't know. I'm telling it, that's what you're supposed to do with problems, isn't it? Share them.
I hope Red's nice. I hope he doesn't try and control me or beat me up or anything. I hope the other guy I'm supposed to find, who's supposed to be my mentor, is all right too. Eagle I think he's called. I don't know. I hope I'm not the smallest person there. Angels are usually taller than humans see, but me, I'm small even for a human, just about five foot.